What I Didn't Expect

I had hoped my baby would be healthy.

We didn't know she was a girl until she appeared in the world 18 years ago. Healthy.

I had hoped she would have all functioning parts.

She did.

I had hoped she would have a good functioning brain. 

I feared the retardation my brother has.

She had good function.

Once all the parts were here and worked, I hoped she would like to learn and love to read. She did.

Once I realized how much she loved school, I expected she would graduate high school.

She did.

I expected good grades. She got them.

I hoped she would make it through sober, intact, emotionally healthy.

She did.

What I didn't expect is the friendships.

I hoped she would make the kind of enduring, necessary, epic friendships that I have, that have kept me alive at various lows.

She has them.

Such close friends. Friendships that are nearly decades old now. Already. Whew.

Love. Laughter. Expectations. Limits.

I didn't expect it. But she has them.

Well done sweet girl...

Baccalaureate Service

I want so desperately to post about the events surrounding my daughter's high school graduation. All I can really think to show is the shoes we wore. The clothes we choose.
Very deep, right?

Actually I am in in limbo. I can't make anything.

I can't remember anything.

I cannot form full...

I am in a holding pattern, hovering as Allie spends her lasts days as a full time resident in my care. I don't want to start any projects. I don't even want to water the plants in pots. They are dead. Dead. Dead dead. Yellow. Awful. I can't even throw them away. I just hover in the present moment. With all the words.

Words, words, words in my head that scatter and fall into each other and build up like in Tetris until I can't sleep or breathe even.

Deep breaths. Agitation and dark thoughts as I teeter on the brink of depression. Not gonna. Not gonna fall into that and pudding through these last days of summer, before she moves away, out of state.

You can tell me she will still need me. I know that. Having buried my own mother shows me how difficult it is to live without Mother. But for sure this is a transition from her residency and my full time service into something else.

And it's going exactly like its supposed to...

May Happened

Here is my collage of pictures for May. The color was 'sunshine,' as you can see for my Photo365 challenge.

I so dearly appreciate the commiseration regarding my bicycle accident and hand injury. I am happy to report after thorough imaging studies, I did not break my hand. It has been 5 weeks and I am still wearing a brace. I'm having return of movement but still cannot grasp or bear weight. The recovery has been slow but I see progress.  Kinda of like many of life's injuries.

My daughter has graduated and enrolled in college. I have so many things to say about it all. Somehow I am loathe to articulate it. Still processing I guess. Those posts have not written themselves yet. They start only to sputter and disintegrate. I am feeling the feelings, a victory, however painful, and not able to write about it all to my satisfaction quite yet...

For now I can say this about my daughter's high school graduation, I bought cute shoes. And baby steps have been taken. Sometimes backwards...

Uh, Yeah...April

I finished my April Photo365 at the beginning of May but I had a bicycle accident since then wherein I hurt myself, and worse, my friend who also went down with me. I broke my hand, which is an inconvenience. Also my right underarm needs attention I can no longer give it.

So many people are suffering.
I just heard a 41 year old friend who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to her liver. Her daughters are 11 and 2. 

So I am feeling healthy and lucky to be sure.

I did break the fall with my hand and face and have some gnarly pictures to share soon.

Meanwhile, announcements have been sent and my girl graduates from high school early June. So many feelings, memories and thoughts. I am typing with one hand so

It must suffice to say how proud I am with the friendships she has formed. They will be important through out her life. Mine kept me going. I even had a bike wreck with one recently after which she said there is no one she would rather get road rash with.

Allie has that, thank God. Thank you God.

When my face was pre-gravel, I posted this April Favorites video.
God hates vanity I'm pretty sure...