Under Construction

Last post I admitted to another depression. I have been feeling better and having more clarity about depression. I have been really thinking about seasons. I called my depression three years ago 'necessary' and a 'winter'. You know 'to every thing there is a season...' I took myself for a walk yesterday in unseasonably warm weather. My walks bring peace and introspection, one of the things I miss and need during winter, of both kinds. It occurred to me that I naturally slow down and feel blue during February. All kinds of triggers for that of course, but maybe rather than depression it really is a hibernation. I am not ashamed of the word depression but since it does have negative meanings, maybe hibernation is more appropriate. I can start expecting it and prepare for the restoration it is.

I know about seasonal affective disorder.  I am not about preventing these times as I have said. I am still functional and that is the difference between feeling down and depressed and behaviourally ceasing to function as with a disorder.

In my last post I admitted to my mental addiction to suicide. The walls didn't come crashing down. I was not struck by lightening. I felt nervous about hitting "publish," wildly giddy even. But like all secrets they lose a little power when light is shone on them. People emailed with their own admissions. I guess my healing light sent a flicker out to others. I hope for that but was honored and a little surprised when it happened. Thank you for that. Let's not cower in a dark corner. Let's look to a little bit of light and start. Start toward it.

I also wrote in my post that my husband was working very hard to understand my depressions and leave me to them rather than trying to fix things, or becoming angry with his own confusion and abandonment. Last year I asked him to get a hobby while my focus was on mother. He did. It involved wood and salvaged items. He started to collect a lot and sell a little. This parlayed into the recent purchase of a small building near our home that was formerly a commercial garage.

He strapped on his tool belt and got using that reclaimed wood. He started life as a carpenter, then left wood for another industry but his true love remained.

He started building.

And he has made something beautiful and amazing. I am so very proud of him. This is what he generated with a his time while I have been working with mother and healing. We have both been under construction... 

Get a Hobby She Said

Five months. Five long months. Betty Jean has been my primary focus for five straight months. She requires 24 hour supervision and assistance. I was on death watch for the first four months. I asked her doctors for Hospice and both said no. I was shocked. She is so chronically sick and weak and needs constant care. I realized she is chronic, ill but stable. She continues to decline but its pretty slow. This is the new normal. She has quite a bit of time left. She needs increasing care and assistance. Now what? Do I continue to provide 100% of my efforts to her, or is it time to turn my attention to my husband and daughter? We need a little more balance. I knew it this was coming. I knew mother was aging and there is only one way that story will end. But the details are a mystery. Of course they are. I guess I thought the decisions would be more obvious. She lived her life small, slow, steady. Her decline is small, slow and steady.

Five long long months ago, I told my husband to get a hobby. I knew my priorites would be mother and my child and since he is a big boy, he would have to go on the back burner. No it isn't fair but there is only so much attention to go around. And I need it from him. Harsh, maybe. True though. So I said "husband, get a hobby not a girlfriend."

He did.

He has a very full-time job. He leaves every morning at 6:30 and walks in at 6:20. Every day. Also he has had two weeks off since I have known him. Work is his life. During his off time, he works. He enjoys work. So his hobby involves work of course. He loves wood and was a carpenter before his current career. He started with reclaimed barn wood which he loves to work with. Beams and flooring. He uses it for his own projects and sells to others.

Barn doors. Architectural items.

Buckets of hardware.

Furniture.

Okay, husband. Enough already.

And yet there's more.

He has been such a foundation of strength for me while I have been a bit unpleasant at times. Also, I want everything from his hobby for myself.