Lake Alone Four

Spencer was restless all night. He never stays up. He loves going to bed. He had
a fresh blanket and everything. But instead something was harassing him in the
dark. He barked though the night. So unlike him. I thought it must be a deer or
raccoon.

By mid morning of day three he had treed the offensive beast, having never seen
it myself I feel it must have been a feral cat. He strutted around satisfied that
he had shown the beast who was boss. That's right Spencer, you can enjoy your
bed tonight...

It was windy, Oklahoma again. I chose to bead and watch another movie on the
iPad. Once. Oh so good. So very good. Watch it.

Now I sit in my beloved rocker, having some water and recounting here by
writing. It's 11:15 and I have to leave the cabin by 2:30.

These indulgent quiet days have brought my mother close to me.

I keep seeing
images of her and hearing her voice.

It's difficult to live without her. Such an interesting time in my life as my
own daughter makes her way. It is necessary for her to stop hearing my voice and
hear her own, or at least make her own louder than mine. And I miss her. And I
want her to need me. And I want her not to need me. And I need to live my own
life and not hear my mother's voice above my own.

It's a wonderful time of freedom in my life. The problem is that this freedom comes
only through loss. Maybe that's the way freedom always comes.

 

My story must
continue. It can no longer be defined by my mother or the love and service for
my daughter. There is an buoyancy to these days, and also a dizzying untethered
fear.

So I rest and keep busy and rest again. Order will come. For Allie too as she
treads in the days of her own life. And mother, wherever her soul is. Whenever
and whatever that looks like.

And I type. And listen to the leaves and see Spencer beside me and my future in
front of me.

 

Lake Alone Three

I slept until 8:30. The sun streams straight in and I awaken under the covers to 
Spencer's head flopping on the bed to get me up, ready for his morning routine.

Make the bed. I always make the bed. I can't get into an unmade bed. I take 
pleasure in a made bed.

Coffee on the porch. It's is clear and lovely. That fall crisp in the air. Early 
for that. It ought to be 103 today but it is only supposed to be 90. Oh to hold 
on to this.  Spencer poking around. Birds making the best of the tilted broken 
feeder. Hummingbird fighting for the nectar and nobody winning. 

This feels like heaven. It does. I am in love with my lucky life. 

Also it smells so good.

Ate fruit loops with soy milk. 

Thoughts on soy milk. First, I am looking for the phytoestrogens. Second, I am 
reducing my dependence on cows. I am  not a vegetarian. Did that for six years. 
Had a hamburger, life was transformed. I never loved meat and I will only eat 
meat I love and enjoy. I try not to be wasteful of animal products. 

Therefore soy milk.

I went for a walk. A short one, just over 2 miles but it was fast and involved a 
hill. We call this a mountain in Oklahoma but I will ever to it as a hill for 
the purposes of not being offensive to readers in a altitude or attitude higher 
than that of mine in Oklahoma.

Spent a little time on a float on the water.

Spencer kept an eye on that dog in the water. 

I changed  and made lunch. It was an attempt to replicate the vegetarian Mexican 
Gumbo at Qdoba. It's one of the best fast food things you can buy. Also they 
serve China Mist jasmine iced tea. I have this meal at Qdoba once a week. Mine 
was transcendent. Lots of cilantro. I am sorry if you don't like cilantro. I am 
to understand certain people find it tastes soapy. I am so glad I am not once of 
those people. It is citrus to me and I cannot consume enough of it. 

Cleared up the kitchen and thought in lieu if beading I might nap. But then I 
didn't sleep. Not sure why, loaded up on black beans and guacamole as I was. 
Watched the Sex in the City shows on involving Jack Burger. I didn't like 
that season. SJP played a caricature of Carrie Bradshaw. I don't find her to be 
a good actress anyway but she was awful then. I had another cupcake then passed out. 

When I awakened it was nearly six. This nap I felt guilty about. Sleeping until 
dinner time feels wrong.

Penance was two hours of beading while I watched The Visioners. Odd. Slow but 
made a great point about the homogenizing of society and the loss of creative 
vision.

Spencer needed a cart ride and it was nearly sundown. We went to the gate at the 
pasture. And this is what I love about God. I can stand in the same place and 
take the same picture of the same sun over and over again. And over and over 
again my breath is taken away. And I whisperer the prayer "thank you."

All in order again, it was dinner, reading, sleep.

Thank you...a whispered prayer.

Lake Alone Two

Day One continued.

 

An hour. I slept an hour. After about 5 sleepless nights I refuse to feel
guilty. I got (mostly) over the shame of the nap while grieving for my mother.
Grief is a cold trek over a mountain alone only to find another mountain.
It's exhausting. Now I seem to just nap for the pleasure of lying down and
drifting away to wake up and find more day left.

Started another bracelet. My goal is to have three done for the late October
Glitter Market. I only do one show a year now. These bead woven bracelets take
about 9 hours to complete. There is a pleasant repetition in the work. I had a
bead situation this morning though and had to drive into town to get more options.
Thank you Walmart. They have quite a few cute things now. Upping their game. It
must be difficult to compete with the fresh forward buyers of Target. I feel no
sorrow for them of course.

Beading and watching that delicious Michele Williams in My Week With Marilyn.
She is such a good actress. I feel in love with her in Broke Back Mountain. I hope
she sticks with it. I think she will have an epic career given the right
opportunities. An Oscar might help.

Then Bowtie pesto pasta with artichokes. I poured myself a glass of wine. It had
gone bad . Poured it out. Oh well. Dinner on the porch. The birds were coming
around. But so did the squirrels and a naughty one broke one of the feeders.

To my favorite spot at the farm gate. Sunset across the pasture. I have taken
this picture hundreds of times. I can never edit it down to one. I am greedy
with sunsets.

Knitting. TV. Bed. Slept all the night...

Lake Alone One

I indulge myself in very prolonged daydreams. For example, when I can't sleep, 

I'll ask myself a question then settle in to a detailed answer.  Or, while 
working on a long project with my hands I will happily settle in to a story of my own making.

This also explains why I like redundant and tedious hand tasks like needlepoint 
or knitting. A long drive, oh a long drive, especially on the motorcycle when I can't talk,

I will work it all out in my head. Often I will describe a perfect weekend 

spent with the old gang of girlfriends. I might plan the perfect visit to 
a place I have been before and know well enough to work out the story. I will 
daydream about all the things I would do with a week alone.

And now I have 3 days alone. Between caring for my family and the start of the 
next job I have 4 months off. And a lake cabin. I had never been there alone in the 8 
years we've had it. I needed to spend that time with my family. Once Allie was 
on a week long vacation this month and with the threat of selling it I decided 
to come alone. I slept so well. I beaded. I journaled.  I only did half of 
what I thought I would accomplish.

This post will be an indulgent log of my days alone. Rather than working it 
all out in my head I get live it.

I sit here on the porch, in my rugged rocking chair, a beloved valentine gift 
many years ago from Husband, iPad in my lap, Spencer at foot. It is not windy, 
rare, rare in Oklahoma. Cicadas pulse in the trees. It's warm but not as it 
ought to be for August. The lake is smooth, a powdery blue that nearly matches the 
sky.

I left home this morning for the two hour drive, coffee finished, Spencer in the back 
and my soy chocolate milk that feels like such indulgence. Does that make 
me sound healthy, worthy? Not to worry,  once I got here I ate half a cupcake while waiting 
for leftover pizza to warm...

On the way I made a stop at Quilt Barn Antiques. I haven't stopped there in 
about 7 or 8 years. Last time I bought an Oklahoma tablecloth which is displayed 
here at the cabin. This time they wouldn't take a credit card and I didn't have a 
checkbook so I was limited to the $18 in cash I was carrying. Thirteen dollars 
later I had these linens and bandage box. Such beauty. I laid them out once I 
got there and sat my iPad temporarily there. An odd and intriguing mix.

I unloaded groceries, started a load of laundry. To me, it's home when laundry is going.

I am always ready to start the day with the washer and dryer at work. 

I filled the bird feeders, a task I stopped during the high heat of summer. There
was enough for the birds to eat and I just am tired of my sweaty, menopausal back dripping. 

This visit I feel like being outside enjoying the porch and 
watching the waves of birds come by. Also I was feeling bad about 

 
the hummingbirds coming 'round all summer with faith that I had filled 
their feeder. I did this time. Come on little birds. 

And within minutes a ruby 
throated hummingbird hovers in and I whisper the prayer "thank you."

Inside now to the couch to read a chapter of the Tibetan motherhood story Across 
Many Mountains and drift off to sleep. 

Best Me?

Having just returned from Silver Bella with a mound of supplies and incomplete projects, I have happily been re-entering my non-Silver, non-Bella life. I have been organizing these posts in my head, how to combine them, what order, which swaps, classes, friends, vendor night... I have been looking through the blogs and seeing pictures of beautiful friends, happy creations, just the best Silver Bella ever!

 

But before I get on with all that, all the beauty, all the good, I have to start somewhere and that would be where I am. Where I so often seem to be.

I was not all happy! all the time! at this event. I did deeply enjoy the people (most of the people) and really did laugh and love, connected deeply on occasion. But mostly, I struggled. Struggled being with so many people, often in tight quarters. I was sensitive to things people said. I was driven wild by barely having elbow room, vintage scraps a'flyin'.

I was prickly and irritable. I looked at people laughing, happily creating and wondered, "what is wrong with me? I have such a great opportunity here, why am I all yucky?" I finally broke down to two poor ladies. I was actually complimenting on how precious they were together, happy as two peas on a pink pod. I cried trying to get that compliment out. It was the last class, a crowded room with bags and knees suffocating me. I packed up and left. I returned to my room and cried. I got out my supplies and I thought I am going finish one freaking project!

I had placed a tiny picture of my 3 year old self in a rhinestone circle with the words "best me" underneath. I gathered myself. I did what I do which is retreat, get alone, get quiet where I feel less crazy. I started to copper wrap my glass. Smooth it out. I had a conversation in my head about how this blog post would look. I would wait and write it when it became true, when I deserve an award for being my "best me."

Then it struck me. I am my best me. I actively work on all these feelings of anger, resentment, agitation. I eat well, exercise, rest my body, write in my gratitude journal, tell people I love them, create, and on and on. I confront my fears. I open my big mouth and tell people my damn truth and you don't have to like it. I am prickly. I hemorrhage, and rage monthly. I am irritable. Robin needs a big circle. I feel crazy. Sometimes I act crazy. I take care of people. When my own family doesn't even ask about my dying mother but strangers at Silver Bella do, I love them anyway. I shake and quake and cry and laugh.

This is it. I am my best me.

I am just not what I expected...

Heart Session No. 8

And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight."

And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart."

~Suzanne Vega