Lake Alone Four

Spencer was restless all night. He never stays up. He loves going to bed. He had
a fresh blanket and everything. But instead something was harassing him in the
dark. He barked though the night. So unlike him. I thought it must be a deer or
raccoon.

By mid morning of day three he had treed the offensive beast, having never seen
it myself I feel it must have been a feral cat. He strutted around satisfied that
he had shown the beast who was boss. That's right Spencer, you can enjoy your
bed tonight...

It was windy, Oklahoma again. I chose to bead and watch another movie on the
iPad. Once. Oh so good. So very good. Watch it.

Now I sit in my beloved rocker, having some water and recounting here by
writing. It's 11:15 and I have to leave the cabin by 2:30.

These indulgent quiet days have brought my mother close to me.

I keep seeing
images of her and hearing her voice.

It's difficult to live without her. Such an interesting time in my life as my
own daughter makes her way. It is necessary for her to stop hearing my voice and
hear her own, or at least make her own louder than mine. And I miss her. And I
want her to need me. And I want her not to need me. And I need to live my own
life and not hear my mother's voice above my own.

It's a wonderful time of freedom in my life. The problem is that this freedom comes
only through loss. Maybe that's the way freedom always comes.

 

My story must
continue. It can no longer be defined by my mother or the love and service for
my daughter. There is an buoyancy to these days, and also a dizzying untethered
fear.

So I rest and keep busy and rest again. Order will come. For Allie too as she
treads in the days of her own life. And mother, wherever her soul is. Whenever
and whatever that looks like.

And I type. And listen to the leaves and see Spencer beside me and my future in
front of me.

 

Lake Alone Three

I slept until 8:30. The sun streams straight in and I awaken under the covers to 
Spencer's head flopping on the bed to get me up, ready for his morning routine.

Make the bed. I always make the bed. I can't get into an unmade bed. I take 
pleasure in a made bed.

Coffee on the porch. It's is clear and lovely. That fall crisp in the air. Early 
for that. It ought to be 103 today but it is only supposed to be 90. Oh to hold 
on to this.  Spencer poking around. Birds making the best of the tilted broken 
feeder. Hummingbird fighting for the nectar and nobody winning. 

This feels like heaven. It does. I am in love with my lucky life. 

Also it smells so good.

Ate fruit loops with soy milk. 

Thoughts on soy milk. First, I am looking for the phytoestrogens. Second, I am 
reducing my dependence on cows. I am  not a vegetarian. Did that for six years. 
Had a hamburger, life was transformed. I never loved meat and I will only eat 
meat I love and enjoy. I try not to be wasteful of animal products. 

Therefore soy milk.

I went for a walk. A short one, just over 2 miles but it was fast and involved a 
hill. We call this a mountain in Oklahoma but I will ever to it as a hill for 
the purposes of not being offensive to readers in a altitude or attitude higher 
than that of mine in Oklahoma.

Spent a little time on a float on the water.

Spencer kept an eye on that dog in the water. 

I changed  and made lunch. It was an attempt to replicate the vegetarian Mexican 
Gumbo at Qdoba. It's one of the best fast food things you can buy. Also they 
serve China Mist jasmine iced tea. I have this meal at Qdoba once a week. Mine 
was transcendent. Lots of cilantro. I am sorry if you don't like cilantro. I am 
to understand certain people find it tastes soapy. I am so glad I am not once of 
those people. It is citrus to me and I cannot consume enough of it. 

Cleared up the kitchen and thought in lieu if beading I might nap. But then I 
didn't sleep. Not sure why, loaded up on black beans and guacamole as I was. 
Watched the Sex in the City shows on involving Jack Burger. I didn't like 
that season. SJP played a caricature of Carrie Bradshaw. I don't find her to be 
a good actress anyway but she was awful then. I had another cupcake then passed out. 

When I awakened it was nearly six. This nap I felt guilty about. Sleeping until 
dinner time feels wrong.

Penance was two hours of beading while I watched The Visioners. Odd. Slow but 
made a great point about the homogenizing of society and the loss of creative 
vision.

Spencer needed a cart ride and it was nearly sundown. We went to the gate at the 
pasture. And this is what I love about God. I can stand in the same place and 
take the same picture of the same sun over and over again. And over and over 
again my breath is taken away. And I whisperer the prayer "thank you."

All in order again, it was dinner, reading, sleep.

Thank you...a whispered prayer.

Lake Alone Two

Day One continued.

 

An hour. I slept an hour. After about 5 sleepless nights I refuse to feel
guilty. I got (mostly) over the shame of the nap while grieving for my mother.
Grief is a cold trek over a mountain alone only to find another mountain.
It's exhausting. Now I seem to just nap for the pleasure of lying down and
drifting away to wake up and find more day left.

Started another bracelet. My goal is to have three done for the late October
Glitter Market. I only do one show a year now. These bead woven bracelets take
about 9 hours to complete. There is a pleasant repetition in the work. I had a
bead situation this morning though and had to drive into town to get more options.
Thank you Walmart. They have quite a few cute things now. Upping their game. It
must be difficult to compete with the fresh forward buyers of Target. I feel no
sorrow for them of course.

Beading and watching that delicious Michele Williams in My Week With Marilyn.
She is such a good actress. I feel in love with her in Broke Back Mountain. I hope
she sticks with it. I think she will have an epic career given the right
opportunities. An Oscar might help.

Then Bowtie pesto pasta with artichokes. I poured myself a glass of wine. It had
gone bad . Poured it out. Oh well. Dinner on the porch. The birds were coming
around. But so did the squirrels and a naughty one broke one of the feeders.

To my favorite spot at the farm gate. Sunset across the pasture. I have taken
this picture hundreds of times. I can never edit it down to one. I am greedy
with sunsets.

Knitting. TV. Bed. Slept all the night...