30 April 2010

Nannie Blue

I feel some sort of compulsion to post on this blog. I always, each week, think I will just delete it. I don't want to post one more time. I want to write about my true feelings, but a more positive post writes itself in my head and that is the one I publish. I have never liked to write. I have always expressed myself through photography. It pleases me much more to see what moment I caught in the jam jar by camera than to read my sad, bleeding heart sentences. I mean, I make my own work to enjoy it myself. If it pleases or at least touches others then I am in the bonus. So what I have been posting is that which I can stand to read.

I am feeling quite blue today. Many emotions today, the same ones I started feeling when I was four or so. I hated to miss anything. Mother was just saying how everynight I climbed out of my Peter Rabbit crib and would show back up in the living room. While I am insular and crave being alone, I also need to feel connected. I don't really want to miss things. That is why this blog is such a perfect medium for me. I can express whenever I want then read comments when they appear. I am alone yet not lonely.

I am blue today. I think this might be an upgrade from the anxiety I usually feel. Blue just is. I sort like my anxiety though. I get so much accomplished when I am anxious. It creates an energy. I make lists and produce and hurry and worry. It isn't all bad. In fact that is the way I operate day to day. But now I am blue. Blue makes me walk in circles. Blue lacks productivity. Blue makes me hungry. Blue makes me sigh and feel tired. But here it is. I don't have to like it I just have to feel it.

I am posting pictures of something lovely from someone I love. My friend Nan and I met just over a year ago in art classes at our local scrapbook store. I am tired of linking to that store. I have spent hundreds of dollars in there and yet still cannot manage to get added to their email list. That is fine. I will still shop there and recommend it and take classes there. It has become actually a new home for me. I have crossed paths with such beloved sisters there. I will just punish that store by no longer mentioning its name. Oh little bitter revenge. But I am right about it.

Anyway, Nan and I met last year. We look so much alike. She is funny and not all uber happy but positive and loving, so, you know, my kind of gal. We went to a baby shower a couple of months ago. Nan gave me the loveliest gift. A spontaneous, generous loving gift. She is a doll maker and collector of old linens and so forth. She loves fabric, like I do. She has a passion and apparently a large collection of hand monogramed linens. She used this "R" right out of her collection and made this apron for me.

Can you freaking imagine?

This is exactly why you don't give handmade things to people who don't make things. Because they don't get it. All of us that make things are so hungry to share. I have received so many spontaneous handmade gifts. It overwhelms me. It is one of the greatest joys and gratitudes I have.

Thank you, Nannie. It is so lovely and loving and I love it and love you.

Shit. Did I just make another fairly positive post?


  1. Just left you a comment but blogland must have swallowed it up shitola!!!....I will check back to see if it shows up...

  2. You are so great at story telling Robin! I told you long ago you need to write a book. You deserve that beautiful handmade apron from the talented Miss Nan. Just look at it and you will not be blue ever again. Have a great weekend Robin and keep your chin up girl!

  3. Sweet Robin, your words speak to me.....I agree with Jackie...you need to write a book! What a beautiful apron Nan has made for you....something bright every time you look at it! Perhaps Blue is what puts anxiety to rest....perhaps it is not blue at all.....but that calmness after the storm. Love ya....thanks for your words and the beautiful pic on Nan's special gift.....

  4. So I wish I had some words to cheer you Robin, but I have none except to say...you are loved. I hope the blues flee away soon. Tie on that beautiful apron and cook yourself something yummy!
    hugs, big hugs

  5. Hi Robin-
    Just found you from Katsui's blog. I love your honesty and your humor! Good for you to post about something beautiful. (which the apron is GORgeous!) That beauty seems to bring you to a better place. Ha ha ha!! Isn't it always the way? Beauty = positiveity!!!

  6. robin,
    i love to read what you write, and i share so many of your thoughts and musings...you make me smile, and that blue thing, i get it!
    i love your gift from nan, enjoy it.

  7. Oh, those shades of blue..some ugly and some oh, so beautiful. I wish we could sit on a beach and just scream at the ocean together. I guarantee it would end in hysteria! Thank you for such kind words...you're checks in the mail!

  8. I totally understand what you are saying when you write, "While I am insular and crave being alone, I also need to feel connected. I don't really want to miss things." That is me!

    You made me giggle when I reached the end of your post and read the last sentence!!

  9. Wow, how generous of Nan to let go of that hankie, it is a lovely apron! I could hear no blue in your voice today and I loved that.

  10. The apron is fabulous- delightful Nannie!!!
    Maybe you will feel pink tomorrow!!

  11. How are you doing, Nannie? (I know, I am copying Maija!!!) It's Monday and I am checking on you.

    I am a checking on you. What exactly is a Physician's Associate? I know what a Biology professor is!



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