April 15, 2011 was the day mother went. I was happy for her, excited even. Then she drew her last breath and I went into shock. I had a very difficult time letting her little body go.
Grief is so much different than depression. It is a sharp knife. It is dominated by loss. It is fresh and raw. It is disorienting.
I am clear that the degree to which I grieve and suffer her death says nothing about how much I loved her or miss her. I am trying to be alive and find what joy I can.
This is harder than I thought. I thought I would feel relieved. I am processing the fact that out of my family of 6 there is only me and my disabled brother. I am committed to loving and enjoying my family.
It's a new normal.
I am so often drawn to the juxtaposition of extremes. In the room with mother in her casket I was moved by the beauty of her casket piece. I was so proud of it. I couldn't wait to call her and see what she thought. 100 pink roses. So comforting to have selected beautiful things for her burial. These rare the last things I can do for her. And there her little body was surrounded by flowers. The beauty and the horror. A place I am suspended trying to integrate the loss into my life.
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIn cases like this relief is always mingled with grief. And, yes, it is disorienting. Be gentle with yourself.
xoxo
Dearest Robin,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I am sending you love and healing.
Love,
LuLu~*xoxo
I am happy to know that you are proud, you really needed to be. May your days become better than the last.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong one, Miss Robin. Allow yourself this time to grieve and not have to put a brave face for everyone. Its so hard, this sort of change. But I know you will get through it with wisdom. Sending you comfort and good thoughts!~
ReplyDeleteI have a dear friend that always tells me that life doesn't get better, it just gets different! Hope your new normal becomes differently better with each breath you take! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteJulie B.
Dear Robin...So so sorry about the loss of your mother. My dad died 13 years ago this past April and never got to meet 3 of his 6 grandchildren...I still deal with anger over that...The fact that a man who had 2 daughters, but coached little league football and baseball for years didn't live to see his grandsons play one school-aged sport....My experience has been that the moments of sadness (and anger) grow further and further apart each year, but the loss remains.
ReplyDeleteJust finished a book in which the author stated that in times of loss, pain, illness---when no understanding can be found---one can choose to greet the feelings authentically, but with the final phrase "nevertheless God is good" as the ending thought....Spent the day processing that.
Sending healing thoughts you way. And, again very sorry for yours and your brother's loss....
Robin, I am so sorry. I know what it's like to feel relief and the stabbing pain of grief at the same time. It is so hard. My Mom has been gone 3 yrs. and there are still days that I just can't believe she is gone. Things do change and it does feel different. After my sister died my family and life felt so very different and then when my Mom died it just seemed to totally change. I can't help but long for my family to be the way it was before the sadness. It is such a slow process as I'm sure you know. It takes work to keep the family intact. I wish you and your family peace during this difficult time. You know where to find me if you want to chat. Hugs, Medeah
ReplyDeleteAs in all things, you found a way to put words to my life experiences so that I can sit back and say, yes. Yes, that is EXACTLY how it feels. And then you put your personal stamp on it by finding beauty. A photographers eye.
ReplyDeleteIn your grief, please find solace knowing you did well to give her comfort through the long passage.
Robin,
ReplyDeleteYou describe it all so well. What can I say but that I ache for you. I wish it could be different and easier. Grief is such a long lonely path and like Stephanie said, my experience has been than the time between the major raw attacks becomes longer. I pray that those times continue to offer you a bit of peace. You were the best of daughters, Robin. I am just amazed at how much you did for her.
It is so good to see you back here and i hope you will keep coming back and share your very real experiences with us.
Love,
Suz
Robin we all grieve and heal in different ways. You are on the right path!
ReplyDeletedear robin, i am so reminded every single day that we are right where we are supposed to be and acceptance is the answer to our journey... see you soon and know i love you. franc
ReplyDeleteRobin, you're amazing, and I'm sorry you're grieving. You described it perfectly, though. Grief feels like a knife, but it does get easier. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear Robin!! I had no idea your mama had passed- I am so very sorry for your loss!! I have been so buried in my own crap I have been out of touch.
ReplyDeleteI miss my mom, too. We are better people for being their children.
Please email your snail addy to: maijalepore@me.com
Oh Robin!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss! As I read your post it brought back quick memories of loosing my dad. It was a surprise and immediate shock! One day here the next gone. I do remember well the grieving process...it slowly changes day by day until one day I stopped crying and felt like he just wasn't here today...he was just somewhere else like Florida or something. I guess you could say... just not far away.
Take good care
Lenae
Robin, I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope your sweet memories will help you feel stronger each day.
ReplyDeleteOh Robin....this post touch me so. I, too, have had much loss and have only a core of family left. Time does heal...I know you know this.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself
Jo
Oh Robin, I just found this post...I had been wondering about you and how you were. I'm so sorry to hear of what you have been going through~ your writing is so poignant and real. I am sending loving thoughts your way...XO
ReplyDeleteOh dear Robin. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I know it's going to be something that takes some time to work through. I've never lost an immediate family member, so I won't even pretend that I know what it feels like. But just a few days ago, I was at a funeral that brought me a glimpse. My older half brother just lost his mom to cancer, and even though my big brother is one of the strongest men I've ever met, this event completely broke him down. Watching him go through that was almost more pain than I could bear, even though it was not me who had to live it. Trying to move on with your life and find happiness wherever possible is a wonderful step, but please promise not to guilt yourself if it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. Things like this are meant to keep us aware of how precious life and love are.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I'm praying for you!
I am so sorry to hear of this, Robin. I don't know how I missed this post. I am sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you must feel right now. Please know that I am thinking of you. :)
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Robin, please know that you did right by your mother in life and in death.
ReplyDelete