23 March 2011
Unfortunately I have slipped into the abyss. I have had to reel in my circle of concern to include myself, my daughter, and my job. My poor husband still circles the fort. I even had to exclude mother for a whole week. The first time since sometime in '09. She did not like it either. I got a an ass-chewin' with what little strength she has. That depleted me pretty badly. The guilt. The guilt. It would be nice not to have it. If you are enmeshed with your mother, no matter what therapy and prayers you have tried, nothing will mess with your head and challenge your strength like her extended illness for years.
I chose to put off my journal project class until I can be present for it and enjoy it.
I am just now starting to emerge, a little. I can see more than three feet in front of me this week. I can have more than 2 things per day on my list. But just three.
Some lessons about suffering are emerging. It has lots of Christian content. It is shame at the DNA level. So deep is this guilt no rational thought can touch it.
I am trying to tell myself to shut-up. I keep getting up and working on gratitude.
This shit is hard.