27 March 2011

All the Ladies


I am really loving us. You and I. You have been so giving. I really have been thinking about you. About us.

I was feeling guilty, of course, about my last post and all the whining, negative posts before it in the last year...the year of reckoning, the year my daughter starting driving and looking at colleges, the year my body is deconstructing its reproductive ability. I was feeling bad for you. For reading about my darkness and sadness and how it elicits such love and support from you, you whom has no time for me.


I don't still feel guilty today. I turned my thinking into something like this...we all will face all these same things I am facing. Either you have already buried your parents, or you will. Maybe you never had parents and had to grieve that already. It is a certain and natural thing that we will all bury our parents.


We all will say goodbye to our children. Maybe you never had any and you had to let that choice happen, maybe you have raised your kids and already saw them leave the nest, maybe you have babies and it seems like a million miles away, maybe you are just hopeful to have or get a baby. But we all have to deal with the decison or the experience in someway. Maybe you have a disabled child that will never get to make the choices my dear lucky daughter can. Maybe you buried your child, the worst imaginable of all scenarios. But it is a certain and natural thing that we all face the issue of children and reproduction itself.


We all deal with the hormonal tides. Maybe you had a hysterectomy, or cancer and had surgical removal and early menopuase. Maybe it came and went without fanfare, but still its gone. Maybe you are facing menopause yet to come, periods yet to start, horrific pain and PMS and can't wait for it to go. But it is cetain and natural that the function of our reproductive system will take up huge amounts of our lives.


We all will face my same life issues, its all just timing, when, and how many at once. So of course I need not feel guilty for you reading my thoughts nor should I feel bad about you loving me. You know you will be here or you have been here, my timing is now, all these things. I will lose my mother and my daughter and my periods about the same time. Interesting that these are all such female issues.  Female rights of passage.


And yet, you, you who gives and gives can come here and give some more. You who should take instead of give because you are tired, depleted, often forcing yourself to the grocery store yet another time, folding that towel for the 176th time, emptying the dishwasher again, deciding on a menu again, figuring out what to wear again, smiling again, buying another gift, mailing another card, reminding, listing, driving, circling, you come here and give some more.

I love us. I love us women who give until there is nothing else. Of course we plummet through depressions. Of course we share anxieties. Of course we come here for a community who understands each other.

I feel very moved by us. I am so proud of us. I think I will remember that in 10 minutes when I am guilty for not giving someone I love enough attention. We do so much.


I would never speak to someone the way I speak to myself. Critical. Judgemental. I would never let someone talk to you the way I talk to myself. And that insidious hating voice once identified and kept pretty quiet waited, opportunist that she is, until I became more exhausted and weakened and she started whispering, so quiet, so in rhythm with my own better thoughts that I didn't hear her at all. I just became more guilty and depleted. She worked on me like a seductive abuser until she was yelling at me that I am worthless and cannot manage anything. Yelling and screaming and I was cowering in the corner hating and loving and believing her.


And then I remembered us. You and me. Strong, loving, take a bullet for our people women who have this horrible, hating, self loathing voice.

You want me to keep mine quiet. I want you to keep yours quiet.

And we bolster each other. And we keep talking to each other. You lift me up out of that corner, so I can hear the ridiculousness of my own thoughts. I hope I can remind you who you really are as well.


Strong, loving, soft, hard, beautiful. Woman.

20 comments:

  1. This is a beautiful, beautiful post, dear lady. I love us too.

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  2. What a beautiful post and gorgeous work.

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  3. OH Robin...this made me cry...such a post of basic truth and life, for ALL of us. Your creation is beautiful and meaningful~ you touched my heart~ thank you!

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  4. Your book is just wonderful Robin! Yes, I too know about the insidious hating voice and try to quiet it every day. Your post really struck at the heart of many issues we face or will face as women. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

    Hugs,
    Robin

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  5. It is all so true, isn't it? As I read this post, I felt a rumbling in my belly, and not because I haven't yet eaten today. I felt proud and strong and I told my little voice to be nice to me.

    I am overjoyed to see you here, in your little blue and white shirt, looking up, smiling and allowing your spirit and energy to flow unhindered by that crippling voice.

    I hold my hands up to the heavens and I thank God for you.

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  6. If *ALL* women understood this concept our world would be a better place. For now, I'll surround myself with the women who do understand and who do feel this same way and hope, pray, and wish for a day that all women can understand.
    Hugs to you Robin! :)

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  7. beautiful post from a beautiful person...peace, Teresa

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  8. GOREGOUS!!!! Your words....the book....the meaning..things to come...things that have passed. I never get tired of seeing our family. You have so many amazing pictures. Thank you a million times for creating an heirloom that words could never touch!!

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  9. Wonderfuk book you made. Such great pictures.

    This is a wonderful and meaningful post. I LOVE it! I LOVE U!! :)
    Hugs~

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  10. What a beautiful book and touching entry. You are so right about all those things...all a matter of timing. Life is so bittersweet isn't it?

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  11. I am writing this through tears as this all rings so well with me right now. I have been struggling, missing my Mom and my sister. They both left me way before I was ready to let them go. I have been beating myself up lately. Thinking I am not a good enough wife, mom or friend. Trying to balance everything and keep everyone happy including myself is just flat exhausting at times. I know I will emerge from this. I have a hundred times before. I will feel happy and energized. Thank you for reminding me that we are strong beautiful creatures and we are not alone. We are human. Thanks, for stopping by my blog. I sense a kindred spirit. Hugs, Medeah

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  12. I know that you titled your book appropriately, but, I just see "all the eyebrows."

    I re-read this post 3 times just to recall the family name & just let it go, then as I typed the word eyebrows, it came to me. Not even joking, Mean Brow Mcclure.

    I love us as well.

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  13. I love the flock of birds you have gathered 'round you! I know you're friends with that one special bird, and oh she is, but birds of a feather... I love that we lift each other up and fly together!

    Julie B.

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  14. I have goosebumps...touching, but you always touch my soul. The dark clouds always lift and let in the sun, only to return again. The cycle never ends, but we love anyway. Welcome back...you've been missed. Love you always...

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  15. What a beautiful creation paired with so much meaning. And you're right, we will all go through these things. You know what makes me feel better about the inevitable fact that every one of us will have to bury someone we love? I like to read about visitations, near death experiences, angelic encounters, and life after death. I don't share that little tidbit with just anyone, because many people will certainly stare and nod at the crazy girl as they think to themselves "Hmm. What else do you read about? UFO's? Conspiracy theories?" Seeking answers and inspiration is, to me, a sign of someone who longs to learn all the lessons they're meant to learn in this lifetime- a truly successful human being who needs to know more than just what's at the surface. And you, my dear, have provided me with more insight than you probably know.

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  16. You are a strong, beautiful woman! Sometimes life just sucks and brings us down. Your reflections are true and real. And you will overcome. The sunrise is just over the horizon, my dear! I love you (but you already know that).

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  17. This post reminds me of one of my favorite Mother Teresa quotes: "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable; be honest and transparent anyway." Don't you love that? Thank you for being your beautiful self...we love you!

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  18. You are so expressive and able to convey the turmoil in your head. I have turmoil but am blessed by small and handable (sp?...who knows)ones. I always just wish I could hug you....love the book and all the ladies. Times of our lives...I feel blessed to be a woman..I discussed that with a very pregnant co-worker today. Wouldn't trade that ability to bring a life in the world for anything even though with daughters...they can cause reflection on that! I have two kids hovering on both sides of 30 so many of lifes passages are behind me. I think Robin, my dear, all we can do is love it, embrace it and move on..heard that before (me from Sally Jean). Or sometimes just ignore it and move on. Now I am rambling..hugs to you, my dear. Just keep that wonderful sense of moment going in your lovely head, good moments & again, not so....

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  19. Awww, I love you too. Next time I see you lets hold hands and eat cupcakes. Well, that might be difficult. But lets try ;)
    Isnt all of female life a hormonal surge? Feels like it to me. I'm about to enter the 'my child is at school ALL day phase.' And yeah, sometimes I feel a little guilty thinking "I will be the first mom in line to sign her up!" but then I quickly get over it ;)
    Thanks for sharing and all that you create. These collage are so beautiful, it makes my heart ache. We are all someone's daughter. I think its a special privilege to have our own.

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  20. WOW Robin!
    "US" might have a great time at Brave Girls Camp! Melody is starting an online class next week called Soul Restoration. It's really affordable ($99) and very "ON TIME" for me and what I have been going thru. I actually just blogged about it. I am not a part of Bravegirls other than I just signed up for the class and joined their website. I am so excited about it, I thought you would like this share, if not feel free to delete it.
    I can really relate to your post- ha, I just turned 50, my only daughter moved to Austria, lost both of my adoptive parents and just lost my birth mother 2 days before Christmas! Yup, I have been in a very "poor me" state lately and wondering where that great gal that I used to be went to and what on earth to do with these crazy hormones!
    !
    My feeling, dear new friend, is rather than stuffing and silencing our crappy inner voices- we can give them a kiss and tuck them into bed and give them benadryl to keep them asleep!
    My Benadryl will be this Soul Restoration class next Tuesday.
    Healing our hearts thru art.... and for me, a healthy handful of glitter :)
    Thank you for a lovely post and lovely art!
    Sparkly Hugs,
    Tobi and the Pixies

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You have no idea how much this comment means. I really thank you for taking time to connect with me. This is why we are here, isn't it?

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