Hmmmmm. Tired. Wrung out. Had been feeling good but kinda tanked after Thanksgiving. Feeling sad and neglected. I had to finalize a banking situation with my mothers account. Do you have any idea how long it takes to bury someone? They are gone but so much stuff remains. I could donate all her clothes, but that closet still smells like her. I can go in there and just smell deeply. Sometimes it nauseates me because she is gone. Mostly it smells good. Good and sad.
So...I left the last entry just before Glitter Market. I was feeling great, boards behind me, the best people in front of me...
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| Charlotte Perez |
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| Charlotte Perez Originals |
What a joy to be with my friends, inspired by their talent.
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| Heather Ales of Soldering Fame |
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| Holly Abston |
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| Donna Layton |
It just was beyond a dream.
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| Premier Paper Artist Jackie Peters |
I appreciate the support so much.
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| Jemellia Hilfiger |
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| Jemellia's off-spring who made me cry she is so cute |
Thanksgiving was so good. I knew I had to get out of town. I spent forty seven thanksgivings with me mother and I knew I would mope around the house without her. We went to my daughter's (my husband's daughter) near Dallas and had a great day. She has two little boys, 3 and 1 and everything is better with little boys in it. Everything.
The following weekend my daughter and I decorated the Christmas tree. Opening up those same old ornaments always brings melancholy. With mother gone, I struggled, struggled to be present and realize this time next year, my daughter will have moved to college. Oh my dear friends, such a lovely thing to raise this child. She is everything to me and is sweet, and smart and funny. Another girl who is going to go. I realize I have been in a hammock suspended between two lives, my mother on one side, her life, prolonged illness and death, which goes on and on.
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| Spencer whom always waits... |
On the other side I have my adorable girl, awaiting college acceptances, wondering where she will land. I have been swinging between these two, happily so, sadly so, emerged in them and all that implies. All this means I will have my own life once again. My future is out there. Thank god I can keep busy with my hands. I can teach again and go back to the medical world. There is some good news to share. I passed my recertification boards required to maintain my national licensure.
Things are really good in my abundant life.
It's just that it doesn't always feel so great.
Thank you my friends. I feel such connection here with you. You save me a little everyday. I hope you feel some of that back. Because what would be the point otherwise?
You passed! Congrats! (but I knew you would)
ReplyDeleteYes, everything is better with little boys in it -- but, oh, Jemellia's daughter never fails to enchant me.
Be well, my very dear Robin.
xxoo
Funny, I texted you about passing without reading that you actually did! I know you were curious, but one thing I have for you (and James) is so much confidence in you! I thought about your Thanksgiving & whenever I smiled or laughed, I was hoping that you were, too. I have to imagine your delight with the boys, that picture of P is heart warming. I'll be thinking of you at Christmas, dear Bird.
ReplyDeleteI love the pics of us from Glitter Market, did anyone get footage of you busting out the Jane Fonda moves or Sally O'Malley? Damn.
Oh Robin, I've been there and it's not fun. I still miss my mom every.single.day and the holidays just are not the same anymore. My brother helped my pack up her things and we donated her clothing hoping that her positive energy would surround whoever finally ended up with them. I did keep her favorite pair of shoes though, and I smile when I look at them thinking about her wearing them.
ReplyDeleteI know the loneliness and the empty ache (I've been feeling it pretty strongly lately) and just try to remind myself that she wouldn't want me to feel this way. To get myself out of my funk, I try to do something nice for someone else and to be thankful for the time I did have with her.
I hope I didn't bum you out, I just want you to know you are not alone.
On a happier note: Congratulations on passing your exams! Yay! :)
Oh, no.....I did not know. What loss....My heart aches for you. I love you, from afar, after all these years.
ReplyDeleteSo very happy for you! However, not surprised at all. You are incredible.
ReplyDelete...and now you've got to learn to live without the hammock....and you undoubtedly will.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is for sure Robin: you could never be accused of under-thinking things:)
The smell. I understand that.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on passing! But like everyone else, I never had any doubts.
Robin, Congrats on your boards!
ReplyDeleteI love reading your posts. While they are not always happy and uplifting, they are written beautifully. I lost my mother 12 years ago, and Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas decorations, certain movies, many songs bring her right back! It does get a little easier, but the hurt is still there--even after 12 years. I hope your holidays are good and warm. Enjoy!
Oh, Dear Robin,
ReplyDeleteI know, I know. I lost my mom way to early and my daughter is so involved with her "love." Then there is my dearly beloved. Loss. It is so damn painful, but the memories are so sweet. I'm guessing that part of my heart is meant to be sad. It's the depression that can be so hard. Sad I can live with.
Love you, my friend!
Suz
Of course you passed. You are smart and sweet and cute and funny!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on passing!
ReplyDeleteI know about the loss and the smell and being a hammock swinging between lives beginning and ending. It's been three years since my dad died, but I have one of his shirts hanging in my closet and when I really miss him, i bury my face in it and smell him. When I'm feeling really lost, I put one of his rocks he polished in my pocket and feel the smooth edges throughout the day, remembering how much joy and love he brought to the simplest of things. I still catch myself seeing my kids through his eyes, thinking how proud he'd be of them, and that still breaks my heart. I like to think he knows somehow, in my wishful thinking.
There is an ebb and flow to loss and grief, and I know that the edges do polish smoother with time, and the hurt becomes less jagged.
I'm so glad for the yin to your yang, or is it the yang to your yin? The goodness, the busy, the abundance, they help balance things a bit.
Oh Robin, this post is so lovely. First of all, I totally agree about the little boys. My nephew is such a happy part of my life, I just love that little man. Also you seem like such an amazing mama. And lastly, congrats on passing the exam! Such a smart chick, I knew you'd do well.
ReplyDeleteMany high fives for the recert. As for the ma stuff, life stuff... ahhh, I don't know what to say except for thank goodness for, as Alice Miller coined, the enlightened witnesses that we find in our friends, family, bloggy pals, kind humans wherever they may be. I hope 2012 is not the end of the world as those pesky Mayans might have believed but rather a kind of rebirth for all my pals(and me too) that need the space for a good deep breath and a little grace.
ReplyDelete