23 March 2011

The Abyss

Unfortunately I have slipped into the abyss. I have had to reel in my circle of concern to include myself, my daughter, and my job. My poor husband still circles the fort. I even had to exclude mother for a whole week. The first time since sometime in '09. She did not like it either. I got a an ass-chewin' with what little strength she has. That depleted me pretty badly. The guilt. The guilt. It would be nice not to have it. If you are enmeshed with your mother, no matter what therapy and prayers you have tried, nothing will mess with your head and challenge your strength like her extended illness for years.

I chose to put off my journal project class until I can be present for it and enjoy it.

I am just now starting to emerge, a little. I can see more than three feet in front of me this week. I can have more than 2 things per day on my list. But just three.

Some lessons about suffering are emerging. It has lots of Christian content. It is shame at the DNA level. So deep is this guilt no rational thought can touch it.

I am trying to tell myself to shut-up. I keep getting up and working on gratitude.

This shit is hard.


  1. Thinking of you Robin.
    When you are up to it I definitely want to take your journal class. Don't rush yourself - take the time you need. I, for one, will be here when you return.

  2. I wish we could talk.
    If I could disengage from the guilt and fear that was imposed on me in childhood, so can you. You're not your mother, you're not the guilt you feel, you have different options.
    I'm thinking of you with great empathy.
    Colette xoxo

  3. I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength. Just keep getting up and trying. I know you will make it through.

  4. Robin, I am thinking of you so much. Mother guilt is so pervasive. I have gotten away from mine a bit so I hope you can, too. I also know what the abyss is like; I hope you can come back soon. You are in my prayers. Love, Gretchen

  5. Oh, my friend,
    I miss you and I know I am kind of a big load of an emotional burden right now...though really not as much as I thought I would be. I will see you when I see you. You are number one and you must take care of you, first. Your family, second.
    I love you, Robin!

  6. All my love your way:) Glad to see you are posting again. I have been worried about you. I hope you continue to climb out of this painful time. ~Shelley

  7. Oh dear lady....I'm so sorry you are having a tough time of it. You know today while visiting.....I lurked around this wonder spot of yours and read some of your older posts. I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.......YOU ARE A WONDERFUL WRITER.

    I know.....guilt..is a hard thing to deal with....but please, do not let it deter you from this marvelous gift you have.....please...please.


  8. You are a wonderful, caring and thoughtful woman. I am sure you will pull through. Please know I am thinking of you. :)
    ((Big Hugs))

  9. Big cyber hugs to you Robin.


  10. Robin you have been in my thoughts all day today........now I know why!

  11. Bird, it sucks butt to deal with this, I wish that I could help. Next time you take a break, I will supply a cupcake or 2 to Mrs. Betty.

  12. Thankful that you are climbing out..take your time...it is a nasty critter and also grabs my joy from time to time....Blessings sweet bird.

  13. Babe, you know I'm thinking of you daily and wish I were there to just brush your teeth for you and tell you that you are beautiful inside and out.

    If you need someone to go visit your mom and help her, just shoot me an email and I'll send my lil angel mom over to pamper her. She's often asked about Betty and would love to help you out. Keep that in mind on one of those days. XOXO

  14. Tell me more about the Christian aspect. Guilt, holy fucking guilt. You know God only punishes those he truly loves, right? Where is this conflict coming from? How did my scientific minded friend get here? God is love, God is grace, God is accepting and God expects nothing less than for you to use your gifts to your full potential as well as your thoughts from the abyss to help others. C'mon Bert, you are loved. End of story. Now you've got me all riled up. I much prefer the photo with your gorgeous hands touching the heart of mother Mary. Who is it in your life trying to throw Christ into your own personal resurrection? He's been with you all along.

  15. Keep on emerging, girl! Really all you can do when you feel like everything is piling up on top of you is to keep digging through it til you get to the top.

    Man, I just want to hug you so much. I know that the times I've actually seen you in person are limited and not everyone is as touchy-feely as I am, but I just want to start bear huggin' you like crazy. And not because I think you need it, but because you are so darn honest and lovable and I just want to.

  16. Take care of yourself and go a little easy on yourself, k? I know it is easier said then done but none of us have it all figured out, no one expects you to. Kisses and hugs and high fives and fist bumps in the meantime:)

  17. Baby cakes, I love you. Guilt is the devil. Give it up for Lent. Drive a stake through its heart. Banish it. At the risk of getting all preachy, please know that you are God's favorite child. She carries your picture in her purse and shows it to all her friends. Her refrigerator is covered with your artwork. She is forever telling stories about something cute you did or said. She will not shut up about you. She thinks you are the cat's pajamas. I know this to be true to the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. Please believe it.

  18. I love that comment sweetie pie. If I were God, I would have all of her artwork on my giant-assed God refrigerator.

  19. I was away awhile with my son's wedding...I'm sorry you were feeling like this and having to go through this...you matter SO much in this world...XO

  20. Hoping you're feeling infinitely better than when you posted this. Sometimes you just have to run off and get yourself together. I think its part of being female. Hunter/Gatherer type thing..."I'll be back in a bit cave dudes, I gotta go gather, leave me the #%$($ alone!"
    I hope the Christian content you mentioned is been consoling you and not stressing you. You probably noticed, but I've been rambling down that path too. We finally found a place where we fit spiritually that is open minded and loving and I admit, I've been totally crushing on it ;)its been nice to find some real peace. Hope you have as well!
    hugs!~! h

  21. dear sweet robin,
    i love us, too...franc


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