She Was...

Two weekends ago the annual high school girls weekend coincided with our 30 year high school reunion. I saw the girls but did not attend the reunion because high school days are a black hole of despair for me. My brother committed suicide as I started a new high school. Blech.  I still ended up sad and off course, returned to the stress and sadness of those years, When we get together, it brings up all my old shameful memories of hating myself and being self destructive. By the time the weekend ended I had spent the last evening alone crying. I decided I couldn't put myself through another weekend with the pull of yuck that always comes up. They have so much fun. It makes me feel abnormal.


The next week I turned to my hands and spent an afternoon working on my She Art Workshop project. Before I knew it I was writing this phrase for her because that is where I am. Again and again...

The next weekend we hosted a lake weekend for my daughter and three of her girlfriends who will be high school seniors. I remained in that space of my own past. I watched them and realized there is no reason why all four of them still have to be best friends in more than 30 years. But on the other hand if the relationships continue to evolve and bring joy then okay, bring on the epic friendships.


I am sorting through some painful memories and decisions. I try to use gratitude to transform suffering and in order to love that lost girl I am saying prayers of thanks for some things I know I did well during the dark lost years...


Joined drill team. Nothing was like Friday night football and the sound of the drum line echoing off the bleachers, that Doppler effect of horns.


I wrote. A bunch. Articles for the newspaper. Journal pages, poetry. Letters to babe.


I took pictures. Learned photography. Received my beloved Nikon from my dad who believed in my passion and gave me the path to a life long purpose.


I made good grades. Bad choices but good grades.


I worked hard and put myself through college.


I survived when I didn't care if I did.


Mainly, importantly, thankfully I chose great girlfriends. The love was real then. It's better now.

Another thing I know is during yucky dark feelings the colors of my She Art canvas are pretty, soft yet rich. Joy came out of my hands.

And this IS the best I can do.

I need to say...

That I want to call my mother and talk about this heat. I want to talk to her about the drought. I want to talk to her about how we are 12 inches below where we should be. That the earth feels scorched. That it rained today.

Why did I not learn to make her potato salad?

Why was she sitting like a statue on my couch last week?

I ironed a blue pin-striped oxford for my daughter's senior pictures today. I flashed to to an outfit Penny gave her that I ironed for her six-month photo 3 years ago. Six? Ten. Not seventeen years ago.

When listening critically to The Who this weekend, sober, in the daylight and turned to a medium volume, I realized, they suck.

Where has Radiohead been all my life?

I love Jemellia Hilfiger. She is one of the funniest, wittiest, sweetest people I have ever known. I want to draw her close to me like a rag doll. Then slap her away.

I love my body. I am 47 years old. It has looked better but I have never loved it more.

I am almost over my nose.

I do not think it sucks to grow older. Once you have no parents you feel odd, young and vulnerable. I will never say that it sucks getting old.

I want to live and feel joy. Gratitude is the key. Guiltless is the way.

Did I actually fall for a Beck song? When did I start to love Beck?

I say "Yes" to tears and sadness. It somehow brings comforts. It's what lies under agitation and anger.

I will see my Shelley since the first time since mother's funeral. I texted her that I will probably break down when I see her. She said "Good! I won't be the only one!" That is what epic friendship looks like.

Oh! K.C.

I am thrilled renowned American textile artist K.C. Willis is coming to OKC to teach her Collage Camp class at Paper Crown 24 September 2011. Well done Cindy on bringing this artist to us!

K.C. Willis has collaged Americana and Women of the West for many years, really pioneering this form of art. As she works, these saddle gals speak to her. She often incorporates their whispers into the collage. Her work is full of wit and grit.

She usually teaches out of her studio but as taken her show on the road this year with plans to remain closer to her Colorado home in the upcoming year. This is a wonderful and rare opportunity to work with this special artist.

Sign up at K.C.'s site soon. I would not miss this chance for the world. I am so excited to be in her company!