16 August 2012

She's Gone

I keep playing that Daryl Hall and John Oates song "She's Gone" in my head.
Allie moved to another state. My little girl moved away.
That morning felt like I was going to a funeral.
I don't mean that in any glib way, I have been to many. Too many.
I didn't think I could get out of the house.
 We drove her car. Drove away from Oklahoma.
I tried for her not to know how devastated I felt. She seemed fine.
I left her there. Looking at her with her pillow under her arm took me right back to that first day of school. She was so mad that I wanted to stop and take a picture.
That was a big day too but dammit she still lived with me.
But now, college...There she went. Swallowed up by all the other kids.
So ready. So excited.
Leaving her on that college campus, I went to the car and bawled. 
I didn't cry until I felt better, I bawled until I felt worse.
I got on the train to come home, head pounding. 
The four and half hour train ride became six hours. Misery. Truly.
This guy got me through that ride.
Away from Allie. Home to my husband.

I felt like I had been beaten the next morning.
But something started to happen...
a shaky effervescence came over me.
My loss, my grief means that Allie gets to start her wonderful life.


  1. I'm happy you found the effervescence in the sad change. Big changes aren't any fun, even when they're the right change for some. ugh. Here's to hoping there are no more big changes.

  2. I know your pain and can completely "get it". I saw Ty head out to school yesterday for his senior year of high school and it served as a reminder that this is our "last hurrah" with our youngest kid. I was a harbinger that Kathy and I are so very close to being empty nesters. I am not ready for that. When Darian moved to L.A., we had the consolation that we still had the boys. Then when Tripp headed out, we said "at least we still have Ty for a few more years". Well now, we are officially in countdown mode. I don't look forward to a year from now but I will do my best, just like you are doing, to try and put a positive spin on it so as to now diminish the excitement and wonderment that the kid has to be enjoying. Stay strong. You will have times when you feel like your making the adjustment and times when the sadness swallows you up like an avalanche. Immerse yourself in the things you do and with the people around you. They cannot ever serve to be a replacement but they can be a distraction to sooth the ache in your heart.

  3. Awwww this makes my stomach hurt. I know it will be no time that mine will be flying out of my nest one by one. I hope she has a great year and we get to see pics of her evolving in college. You have a beautiful, sweet and smart gal!!!

  4. Aww...Robin...this is so hard. You try so hard to act like everything is ok when inside you are just trying to stop time, and remembering the past. I admit when my oldest left home I actually grieved...and felt like the life had gone from our home. And your daughter will probably experience some homesickness and sadness, too. But it really will get better. But for now, I share your tears and send good thoughts and love your way...XO

  5. Oh Robin, I can tell you're heartbroken. You have to keep in mind, you still KNOW her! She'll always be close to you in that way that only a mother and daughter can be. Take it from a 28-year-old mama's girl. ;-)

    And I know it's no consolation, but at least you can walk around your house butt naked now.

  6. I'm bawling with you. So bittersweet. It's the beginning of a new chapter for you both. <3

  7. Dropped mine of yesterday, and nothing feels the same. Oddly off kilter. I need to clean up his room, because we left in a flurry, and being male, waited until the last minute to pack. But I can't go in there yet. Maybe tomorrow :)

    As our babies go off to start the next phase of their lives, we get to ponder what to do with the next phase of our own.

  8. As soon as I saw the title, the same tune popped in my head, the good thing is, nothing went wrong. Baby bird had an excellent teacher and gosh, she's going to do so well! I could just see your pain in that pic when you sent it to me, no words. She's still got that sass that she had at 5! What a cutie pie! She's a beauty now, I know that you are proud and you should be, she's making it!

    Love you. And shit.


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