She Was...

Two weekends ago the annual high school girls weekend coincided with our 30 year high school reunion. I saw the girls but did not attend the reunion because high school days are a black hole of despair for me. My brother committed suicide as I started a new high school. Blech.  I still ended up sad and off course, returned to the stress and sadness of those years, When we get together, it brings up all my old shameful memories of hating myself and being self destructive. By the time the weekend ended I had spent the last evening alone crying. I decided I couldn't put myself through another weekend with the pull of yuck that always comes up. They have so much fun. It makes me feel abnormal.


The next week I turned to my hands and spent an afternoon working on my She Art Workshop project. Before I knew it I was writing this phrase for her because that is where I am. Again and again...

The next weekend we hosted a lake weekend for my daughter and three of her girlfriends who will be high school seniors. I remained in that space of my own past. I watched them and realized there is no reason why all four of them still have to be best friends in more than 30 years. But on the other hand if the relationships continue to evolve and bring joy then okay, bring on the epic friendships.


I am sorting through some painful memories and decisions. I try to use gratitude to transform suffering and in order to love that lost girl I am saying prayers of thanks for some things I know I did well during the dark lost years...


Joined drill team. Nothing was like Friday night football and the sound of the drum line echoing off the bleachers, that Doppler effect of horns.


I wrote. A bunch. Articles for the newspaper. Journal pages, poetry. Letters to babe.


I took pictures. Learned photography. Received my beloved Nikon from my dad who believed in my passion and gave me the path to a life long purpose.


I made good grades. Bad choices but good grades.


I worked hard and put myself through college.


I survived when I didn't care if I did.


Mainly, importantly, thankfully I chose great girlfriends. The love was real then. It's better now.

Another thing I know is during yucky dark feelings the colors of my She Art canvas are pretty, soft yet rich. Joy came out of my hands.

And this IS the best I can do.

I Said Yes...

When Devon called to say she and her workshop partner were considering The Creative Connection Event and would I like to go, I said "no." I cannot possibly leave in a week and a half for that. I am too responsible. I have too many people in the boat I keep afloat.

And then a YES happened...

So off I went to Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago. Devon had made all the plans, I only needed to pay and pack. I had the best time I may have ever had. I just took classes and shopped and visited and ate. No one to please. No one to wait for or on. Just me and my fun.

I busted out some gifts first...

I have figured out how much time I need alone. What I didn't fully realize how much I needed really must shake off the big girl attitude and just have fun.

For days on end.

I liked it.

I took a Folk Art painting class from Laurie Meseroll.

We started out with this naked plywood and materials.

After many, many layers, most of which looked like hell, until ultimately, like all good life stories, I was able to create this girl with her robin in only 3 hours.

There was Betz White's Felted Wool ornament class.

She is adorable and so is felted wool.

A kit, an instructor and time is such a luxury.

Ruth Rae taught the Family Keepsake Album class.

My tool rolls...

Supplies for my album...

Ruth's act of binding...

My album is a work in progress. It features all the ladies that built me.

For now, Ruth and me...

I was not as interested in the Panels regarding marketing, Etsy and blogging so I opted for additional classes with Shea Fragoso and Debbie Murray, of course. I took a Display Your Creativity Necklace and Keepsake Class.

Also this Art and Coronation class. I had not been much on glitter prior to this. But this glass glitter has such a weight and brilliance. The process of pouring it over the pieces with a spoon was very pleasant.

So very pretty...

I shopped and shopped. There are so many pictures of shopping. Stay tuned for that.

For now, looks like I might follow these ladies anywhere...



Gilded Day The Last

And now, my final installment regarding the trip to the Gilded Nest Art Event at the home of Shea Fragoso and Debbie Murray. I have to say all that fabulousness and reporting all that fabulousness can be exhausting. Also, I realize what a good problem that is. Somebody had to eat all those cupcakes...

Sunday was brunch followed by Shea and her technique of wire wrapping. We began with a little treat from Jo of Where Women Create who sent each of us a little some-something.

We had a practice bracelet which I was happy with and frankly could have stopped there.

Of course the grand finale was this charm bracelet. Mine of course says 'nest' because that is where all paths begin and end for me. One of the most important things in my life, the nest...

During a drawing for many pearl-clutching delights, I was the lucky draw to receive this print from Jenny and Aaron of Everyday is a Holiday. What a thrill because, you dear reader, need to realize my deep and abiding love of cake and icing. Cupcakes actually represent the best life has to offer in confection. Thanks so much to Shea and Jenny for it!

Also my bird Jemellia showered me with what can only be known as an embarrassment of riches and roughly a yard of embroidery.

Thank you Jemellia. So much.

And thank you to Shea and Debbie for a thrilling, indulgent ride of luxury, laughter and love.

Shine

I recently received a very gracious invitation to a Private Kaari Meng Event hosted by Shea Fragoso and Deb Murray at The Church in Dallas. Jemellia and I attended and were simply elated, dizzy even.

There was laughter, tears, tools and a little bit of embarrassment on my part.

I sign up for these events, workshops and art classes for 3 reasons. First is to create and learn new skills. Creating is life-giving for me and I mean that in the dramatic way it sounds. Creating centers me and makes me return to that divine, child-like self who makes something then runs through the house saying "Mama, look, looky what I made."

 Necessary.

Second is I want to interact with like-minded women. I have always loved the company of women. I enjoy men and their productive simplicity, but I yearn to fly my pink patchwork girl flag. And my classmates get it. I can be my true self. A little obnoxious, a little off-color, emotional and comedic. Also love a kit, a challenge and the task at hand.

Comforting.

Thirdly, it forces me out of my insular world so I am challenged, forced into a group setting, a new physical place, all innately uncomfortable for me. I'm not comfortable walking into a room I have not seen and a group of people I do not know. It is interesting that I have been a college adjunct professor for over 20 years where I am constantly walking into a room of strangers and performing. That is also my best talent. By the end of each semester, I think my students have been introduced to some biological information and understanding on a deeper level. In turn, I am filled by getting to know them and what they remind me about myself. But, I shake and quake before absolutely every lecture, every event and every class of every kind I walk into. The fear is instructive. So I keep doing it. However, I always recriminate and lash myself for what my mouth said.

Uncomfortable therefore instructive.

I am feeling weird and gross after this Kaari Meng Gilded Life event. I have been joking about my love for Kaari for a while. I have gone so far as to say I would just hump that sweet lady's leg because I love her so much. Oh that's all funny until I stammer, stutter and act all goofy-star-struck around her. Yuck on me. What the hell? I mean we are peers in age, why am I such a dip shit? I just was not myself in my own skin in her company. I wanted her to like me so much that I was probably unlikeable. I have two more events to attend where I've signed on for 3 more classes with her. I feel embarrased. I mean, I know it doesn't cross her radar screen because she meets so many people. Oh and by the way, one reason I admire her so much, other than love and respect for her artistry, is the fact that she really tries to connect with each person she speaks to. And hungry 'ol me was making the least out of that.

The above is an amalgam I made of charms given to each student. Initial charm by Shea and Debbie, a flower charm from Heather Ales and a couple of dangles from Kaari's kit.

The outcome.

Confronting fear is the real reason I need to keep doing things like this workshop. To meet new people, see new things, learns new skills, create and ultimately grow. Shit.