May Happened

Here is my collage of pictures for May. The color was 'sunshine,' as you can see for my Photo365 challenge.

I so dearly appreciate the commiseration regarding my bicycle accident and hand injury. I am happy to report after thorough imaging studies, I did not break my hand. It has been 5 weeks and I am still wearing a brace. I'm having return of movement but still cannot grasp or bear weight. The recovery has been slow but I see progress.  Kinda of like many of life's injuries.

My daughter has graduated and enrolled in college. I have so many things to say about it all. Somehow I am loathe to articulate it. Still processing I guess. Those posts have not written themselves yet. They start only to sputter and disintegrate. I am feeling the feelings, a victory, however painful, and not able to write about it all to my satisfaction quite yet...

For now I can say this about my daughter's high school graduation, I bought cute shoes. And baby steps have been taken. Sometimes backwards...

Rose

The 366 Photo challenge for February was the color rose. On mother's birthday, I happened to have a pink rose in the house, a rare event.

I have been actively grieving for nearly a year now. Initial acute pain turned into a wired elation and joy where I felt very alive. Then darker, more tired. Her birthday was super dark. Dark.

I have been feeling lost without her. She had such a power in my life, like no other. Without her, who am I to seek approval from, Or to disappoint?

In the movie Terms of Endearment, the lousy two-timing husband says about his dying wife, something like, "Who am I if not the man disappointing Emma?"

I am not sure mother was as critical of me as I believed her   obe. That was a strong pole in my life, to be drawn to, to resist.

Without her voice here I have placed a critical voice in the thoughts of my friends and in my own voice, of course. Now I can carry that on to be sure, have been doing it for years, but oddly, I am finding a decreased need for criticism, also for approval. Maybe its temporary, I am quite sure the paranoia about my worth will surge and ebb throughout my life.

No greater force than my mother's voice. But now that is silenced, who am I?
This is my new frontier.