The 366 Photo challenge for February was the color rose. On mother's birthday, I happened to have a pink rose in the house, a rare event.
I have been actively grieving for nearly a year now. Initial acute pain turned into a wired elation and joy where I felt very alive. Then darker, more tired. Her birthday was super dark. Dark.
I have been feeling lost without her. She had such a power in my life, like no other. Without her, who am I to seek approval from, Or to disappoint?
In the movie Terms of Endearment, the lousy two-timing husband says about his dying wife, something like, "Who am I if not the man disappointing Emma?"
I am not sure mother was as critical of me as I believed her obe. That was a strong pole in my life, to be drawn to, to resist.
Without her voice here I have placed a critical voice in the thoughts of my friends and in my own voice, of course. Now I can carry that on to be sure, have been doing it for years, but oddly, I am finding a decreased need for criticism, also for approval. Maybe its temporary, I am quite sure the paranoia about my worth will surge and ebb throughout my life.
No greater force than my mother's voice. But now that is silenced, who am I?
This is my new frontier.
When you said "I have been feeling lost without her. She had such a power in my life, like no other. Without her, who am I to seek approval from, Or to disappoint?" I thought of my mother and the relationship we have.
ReplyDeleteI find, especially when thinking about her, she is my most critical judge. If she's not happy, then I just haven't done something right - regardless of what anyone else says. Sometimes she's right, and sometimes what she thinks really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. But, it matters to me.
I'm thinking of you as you continue down this path.
This is such a thought-provoking post, as I realize my own self esteem has much to do with the approval of others...and I am sure that some of what I perceive as criticism, is my own insecurity. Your feelings of loss and the need to find your place in a new normal are palpable in your honest and beautiful writing... I hope that you will have many more good days to come, Robin!
ReplyDeleteI believe we are all worth something, otherwise why would we be here. The ripple effect our actions and words create are more amazing than I know I can sometimes comprehend. And you, Robin, I think would also be surprise by the amount of positive ripples you have sent out through this difficult world. Just from what I have observed in the short time of knowing you, I have found your worth to be quite amazing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.