Recently, I was with three friends. Two of us were talking about journaling. One pulled a roll of decorative tape from her purse and we joked about her having it.

The other said "I don't have time or money for that."

 

Not sure that that meant. Its tape. Journaling is pen and ink.

One of the cheaper obsessions I have had.

 

What I did is take that into my head as a critical voice.

I was off kilter for a few days, sort of diffusely angry.

 

As I went about my life I kept hearing that. I kept with

it wondering why I was reacting that way.

Then it hit me that I feel guilty for this time in my life

that allows me the luxury to create, specifically to journal.

Most of what I have created I have turned into product to sale. Now I mostly work for the sheer pleasure of using my hands. And I feel guilty for it!

I mean, I do it anyway but I steal the pleasure from myself

with the guilt I am choosing to feel...

Later I had a perfect day. Rode my bike, had a massage, a hot shower with good smelly products. I thought if today was my birthday then it was perfectly spent.

Oh wait, should I not celebrate every single day of living?

 

What if I did?

Just what if I did????

What I Didn't Expect

I had hoped my baby would be healthy.

We didn't know she was a girl until she appeared in the world 18 years ago. Healthy.

I had hoped she would have all functioning parts.

She did.

I had hoped she would have a good functioning brain. 

I feared the retardation my brother has.

She had good function.

Once all the parts were here and worked, I hoped she would like to learn and love to read. She did.

Once I realized how much she loved school, I expected she would graduate high school.

She did.

I expected good grades. She got them.

I hoped she would make it through sober, intact, emotionally healthy.

She did.

What I didn't expect is the friendships.

I hoped she would make the kind of enduring, necessary, epic friendships that I have, that have kept me alive at various lows.

She has them.

Such close friends. Friendships that are nearly decades old now. Already. Whew.

Love. Laughter. Expectations. Limits.

I didn't expect it. But she has them.

Well done sweet girl...

All the Ladies

I am really loving us. You and I. You have been so giving. I really have been thinking about you. About us.

I was feeling guilty, of course, about my last post and all the whining, negative posts before it in the last year...the year of reckoning, the year my daughter starting driving and looking at colleges, the year my body is deconstructing its reproductive ability. I was feeling bad for you. For reading about my darkness and sadness and how it elicits such love and support from you, you whom has no time for me.

I don't still feel guilty today. I turned my thinking into something like this...we all will face all these same things I am facing. Either you have already buried your parents, or you will. Maybe you never had parents and had to grieve that already. It is a certain and natural thing that we will all bury our parents.

We all will say goodbye to our children. Maybe you never had any and you had to let that choice happen, maybe you have raised your kids and already saw them leave the nest, maybe you have babies and it seems like a million miles away, maybe you are just hopeful to have or get a baby. But we all have to deal with the decison or the experience in someway. Maybe you have a disabled child that will never get to make the choices my dear lucky daughter can. Maybe you buried your child, the worst imaginable of all scenarios. But it is a certain and natural thing that we all face the issue of children and reproduction itself.

We all deal with the hormonal tides. Maybe you had a hysterectomy, or cancer and had surgical removal and early menopuase. Maybe it came and went without fanfare, but still its gone. Maybe you are facing menopause yet to come, periods yet to start, horrific pain and PMS and can't wait for it to go. But it is cetain and natural that the function of our reproductive system will take up huge amounts of our lives.

We all will face my same life issues, its all just timing, when, and how many at once. So of course I need not feel guilty for you reading my thoughts nor should I feel bad about you loving me. You know you will be here or you have been here, my timing is now, all these things. I will lose my mother and my daughter and my periods about the same time. Interesting that these are all such female issues.  Female rights of passage.

And yet, you, you who gives and gives can come here and give some more. You who should take instead of give because you are tired, depleted, often forcing yourself to the grocery store yet another time, folding that towel for the 176th time, emptying the dishwasher again, deciding on a menu again, figuring out what to wear again, smiling again, buying another gift, mailing another card, reminding, listing, driving, circling, you come here and give some more.

I love us. I love us women who give until there is nothing else. Of course we plummet through depressions. Of course we share anxieties. Of course we come here for a community who understands each other.

I feel very moved by us. I am so proud of us. I think I will remember that in 10 minutes when I am guilty for not giving someone I love enough attention. We do so much.

I would never speak to someone the way I speak to myself. Critical. Judgemental. I would never let someone talk to you the way I talk to myself. And that insidious hating voice once identified and kept pretty quiet waited, opportunist that she is, until I became more exhausted and weakened and she started whispering, so quiet, so in rhythm with my own better thoughts that I didn't hear her at all. I just became more guilty and depleted. She worked on me like a seductive abuser until she was yelling at me that I am worthless and cannot manage anything. Yelling and screaming and I was cowering in the corner hating and loving and believing her.

And then I remembered us. You and me. Strong, loving, take a bullet for our people women who have this horrible, hating, self loathing voice.

You want me to keep mine quiet. I want you to keep yours quiet.

And we bolster each other. And we keep talking to each other. You lift me up out of that corner, so I can hear the ridiculousness of my own thoughts. I hope I can remind you who you really are as well.

Strong, loving, soft, hard, beautiful. Woman.

As December Declines

This week is that final slide into the new year. I hope you enter this week satisfied and spent in a good way. I'm feeling pretty good. Reflective without remorse. I wanted to post something pretty for the last or nearly last post of the year. Actually I think I post something pretty most of the time and so it is quite fitting to close the year with handmade beauty and the friendships such work inspires.

I did Suz Reaney's Upcycled Treasures one-on-one swap for Silver Bella. Each participant was to create a one of a kind necklace pieced from vintage jewelry and found objects. Suz randomly assigned a giver and givee to each member of the swap. We answered a questionnaire of sorts so we could please our recipients. I had never done a project like this before nor had I met Lisa Orme for whom I was making a necklace.

Let me show off my contribution. Here my packaging which bears Lisa's initial in a brooch. I was very thrilled to see her wearing this rose later in the weekend.

 Aren't layers just delicious?

Inside the pouch was this cigar can I found at Junk Bonanza in Minnesota.

 

Inside the cigar box was another pouch! Packaging foreplay...

 The little velvet pocket held a surprise pair of earrings to go with the necklace.

 Seriously, sexy right?

Ahhhh, the necklace. I had such a hard time parting with this!

Every single piece came from another necklace, earring or button jar.

 This pewter cameo was found at the Canton, Texas flea market.

The entire ensemble...I met Lisa after I designed the necklace and packaging. She is gorgeous and laid back, with a hippie feminine chic quality. Once I took in her delicious style, I even more excited that my creation would be a great fit.

 Here is Lisa opening it at Swap night in Omaha in November of 2010.

Look at cute dear sweet Franc Franke sitting next to Lisa.

I loved this necklace so much I offered to buy it from her if she didn't like it.

No sale...

I absolutely fell for Miss Rita Blanks at Silver Bella in 2009. I was lucky enough to cross paths with her last summer at the Gilded Nest event in Dallas.

Somehow the fates assigned her to make my necklace.

Oh good stuff.

This necklace is a generous melange of rhinestones, pearl birds, robin's egg blue, tarnished brass, silver and gold.

Rita managed to make this piece full of intrigue and yet somehow delicate.

That would describe Rita herself. I adore this woman.

I adore her.



I am so happy how this experience turned out. I have a wonderful new friendship with Suz that got very deep very quickly. Suz returned from Silver Bella to devasting news regarding his husband's health. I am so glad to call her friend.

Thank you Suz for this year of friendship, laughter and tears.

Thank you Rita for you whom I enjoy just knowing out there in the world.

I Said Yes...

When Devon called to say she and her workshop partner were considering The Creative Connection Event and would I like to go, I said "no." I cannot possibly leave in a week and a half for that. I am too responsible. I have too many people in the boat I keep afloat.

And then a YES happened...

So off I went to Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago. Devon had made all the plans, I only needed to pay and pack. I had the best time I may have ever had. I just took classes and shopped and visited and ate. No one to please. No one to wait for or on. Just me and my fun.

I busted out some gifts first...

I have figured out how much time I need alone. What I didn't fully realize how much I needed really must shake off the big girl attitude and just have fun.

For days on end.

I liked it.

I took a Folk Art painting class from Laurie Meseroll.

We started out with this naked plywood and materials.

After many, many layers, most of which looked like hell, until ultimately, like all good life stories, I was able to create this girl with her robin in only 3 hours.

There was Betz White's Felted Wool ornament class.

She is adorable and so is felted wool.

A kit, an instructor and time is such a luxury.

Ruth Rae taught the Family Keepsake Album class.

My tool rolls...

Supplies for my album...

Ruth's act of binding...

My album is a work in progress. It features all the ladies that built me.

For now, Ruth and me...

I was not as interested in the Panels regarding marketing, Etsy and blogging so I opted for additional classes with Shea Fragoso and Debbie Murray, of course. I took a Display Your Creativity Necklace and Keepsake Class.

Also this Art and Coronation class. I had not been much on glitter prior to this. But this glass glitter has such a weight and brilliance. The process of pouring it over the pieces with a spoon was very pleasant.

So very pretty...

I shopped and shopped. There are so many pictures of shopping. Stay tuned for that.

For now, looks like I might follow these ladies anywhere...